All I Really Know

Nothing is forever.
All of the people who were so, so important five years ago and two years ago and one year ago have had their day and been replaced by new people, and that is how it should be. We find the bare mechanics each other disgusting. Why should we stick around for a lifetime?
I won’t be clever forever. Not when some days I come in and spend lessons making polos into the Loch Ness monster, and it is okay to hate people who always ask for essay help and don’t pay bills in restaurants because those people, they don’t even have a shot at being forever. Not even once.
And everyone will be dust someday. Even boys who cup your hands in both of theirs, and girls who are substantial yet as gentle as reeds in a breeze, and every shade of human in between.
I will be dust with them.

But if you add cocoa powder to flour and sugar and eggs and butter, you get a hell of a muffin.

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Can You Ever Stop Loving Someone After a Relationship is Over? No.

If your love was real, you never stop loving them.

If the other person ever meant anything to you, you always will feel something for them. Even if it ended bitterly, there will be a residue of feelings. That’s just how love works.

As much as I wish my heart had an on/off switch and I could just go on with my life, ending loving feelings for someone has never been that easy. It is like a funeral “In loving memory of…..” because in the end it’s just the memories of both the good and the bad that stays long after the love is gone. Emotions are complex, when a relationship ends there is an undefined part of you that stays with that person no matter what. Perhaps because at one point in your life he/she is what makes you WHOLE.

But put quite simply, the person you loved, (still love?) doesn’t really exist anymore except inside your head and your heart. What we truly mean when we say, “I still love Him/Her” is that we love OUR MEMORY of that person and that love.

No Two People Are “Meant” To Be Together!

This is BS and a fairy tale!

Of all the relationships I have been in, there have been three that lasted over at least 2 years. In all three relationships, I felt something special with them, respectively. I mean, obviously, because if you spend that much time with somebody, it’s evident that you have a connection or else you would have never spent all that time with them in the first place.

In all three of the relationships I mentioned, I felt like (at one point or another) a future was ensured. I really hurt one of the guys and I’ve really regretted doing it ever since, because he was a great catch and has went on to do amazing things in his life (I have him added on Facebook). I made some bad choices based on trying to make another person in my life happy and trying to acquire their approval so much so that I sacrificed my relationship with him in the process. My relationship with him was virtually perfect and flawless before I messed things up. I believe he and I could have had an incredible life together.

Things just didn’t work out with the two other guys, but they were great, too. I will always have a love for all three of them, because like I just said, if you spend that much time with somebody and share a love that lasts that long, you will feel it in you forever.

However, I don’t believe in this idea that two people are simply “meant” to be together!

I could say that about all three of the guys I just mentioned, especially the one I hurt!

That fable assumes our fate is predestined, which is BS! Any decision we make, anywhere, before a given situation develops can completely alter that situation as can any decision another person makes or any development we react to.

Breath

I like smoking at parties now

My fingers are dusty with ink
from packing sentences into paragraph packing crates
so I can leave out of the front door one day;

You are telling me you’ve found a new way to kill you.

You shared a lighter with the boy
who put me out with tepid water,
who would have kept my bones as keepsakes.
His lips, your lungs,
my wings.

I have passed from breath to breath
until I was ash caught in the mercy of the wind.
I am not smoke. I fly free from his lips and your lungs.

Smoke your cigarettes.

My Experience With Christian Dior’s Poison

Was back in the 90’s when I was just a preteen misfit. My babysitter at the time had brought a drunken friend over who passed out on the couch to sleep off a hangover while I was on the way to school. I walked over to her inebriated skanky person and noticed she had left her purse open. I looked in to make sure she didn’t have drugs because the LAST thing I wanted is to leave to school wondering if there were drugs in the house where my brother (who was still a child at the time) might get curious and accidently ingest some.

I looked around her bag…
condom
wallet
cigarettes
very nice zippo lighter
something which I think was a pregnancy test (could have been a spermicide applicator)
keys
loose change
ripped paper with an unknown number on it
and…

a most intriguing dark purple bottle.

poison

It was fairly new, for the bottle was mostly full and I can smell its magic faintly from the sprayer. I went ahead and spritzed some in the air and was immediately wrapped in a fog of seductive complexity. It was sweet but far from “girly”, it was the scent of mystery and ambiguity…sophisticated and distinctive. I turned the bottle to view its name and realized, ironically, I had been…Poisoned. After the smoke weakened and lingered…I looked over to the passed out woman and looked back at the bottle.

It was then when I knew, I had to save this perfume from the clutches of this unworthy bimbo. So it was then, where Poison became my potion. An untypical action of mine that I felt was a necessary evil.

On my skin (then and to this day) the scent seems to repel females but attract males (or those who are Two Spirited)…which I certainly felt was an advantage. I wore it mainly for myself, because it made me feel really good and whenever I spritz it on I remember our dirty past together. It seduced me into doing something I was told not to do. But how could I resist?

It was Eve…
the apple…
and the serpent.

Words From an Empty Building

The key that they cut for me is lost.

There are cobwebs because my lungs are exhausted.

That floorboard is a bruise; someone kicked it too hard.

Once I had poetry etched into my brickwork.

Once two lovers loved so hard
that their rhythm was my heartbeat.
I thought I was their world, I started spinning,
but they left. First me, then each other.

Smash all my windows before you leave.
nothing is left to bleed out.